If I could go back in time, say 4 months, here are a few things I would do differently:
- Buy a serious pair of all-terrain boots. Nobody (not even the weather experts) could have predicted that my current shoe inventory (dress shoes, running shoes, flip-flops) would have failed so miserably this winter.
- Buy two serious snow shovels. Specifically the type that don't snap where the shovel meets the handle.
- Replace my 2006 South Florida Special Edition 4Runner with something that can spin all 4 of it's wheels.
- Minimize the amount of smack talk I did on both occasions when the blizzard predictions started rolling in.
- Park my car in a parking garage for the storms - or at the very least, on a level surface instead of a hill.
- Don't rely on the Food Star for any kind of food. Whatsoever.
- Build an ice fishing shack and put it out in the middle of the parking lot. Just for fun. When people came knocking, I'd act like they're the crazy ones and pull a fish out of the hole.
- Start a private plow business. Hire Conan O'Brien as the driver. He's unemployed, and it would be good for sales.
I'm no stranger to the wrath that mother nature can cast upon us. In 1985, I survived Hurricane Gloria which pummeled New England, with downed trees everywhere and widespread power loss for several weeks. In 1991, it was Hurricane Bob. Then, while living in South Florida, we endured 4 hurricanes in two years: Frances, Jeanne, Katrina & Wilma. After our windows were blown out, I spent several hours with 5 of my closest friends in a room no bigger than a small closet waiting for the storm to pass. Weeks upon weeks without electricity. You know how many storms South Florida has had since I left? Zero. Nada. Niente.
If that wasn't enough to convince me that I'm the problem, three weeks after moving from Florida to Rhode Island, in December 2007 one of the largest snowstorms since the Blizzard of 1978 hit Providence and stranded thousands of motorists on the road (including Holly). Children were stranded on school buses for hours and hours into the night. The Governor declared the State a disaster area. Since I moved? Well, it's been a "mild winter" so far.
Now I'm being told that this winter is the worst winter ever on record in terms of snowfall for Washington, DC and the Mid-Atlantic region. Well over 70 inches of the beautiful white stuff has fallen on the Federal District this winter, causing a myriad of cascading problems for local and regional governments to handle the influx of precipitation, the likes of which most people here have never seen.
Why am I not surprised? Because bad weather has been following me around the globe for the better part of two decades. It's only fitting that I would bring mother nature's blessings and all of her glory upon this city.
Now bring on the Cherry Blossoms. Or, what's left of them.
Don't laugh, because you never know - I could be coming to a city near you!