Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Brett Favre to Start Next Week, Despite His Recent Death



Only two days after the tragic death of Minnesota Vikings star quarterback Brett Favre, head coach Brad Childress announced today that there would be no need to prepare their back-up Tevaris Jackson to start this week's game against the Arizona Cardinals.  "Even though the entire team is broken up about what happened to Brett, we still think he offers the best chance for us to win this Sunday."

Favre had been suffering from multiple ailments in the weeks and months leading up to his death, including tendinitis in the elbow of his throwing arm, multiple bone fractures in his feet, and a three-quarter inch gash in his chin requiring eight stitches.  These injuries, along with the enormous emotional strain caused by a "look-alike" who reportedly stole Favre's phone to email inappropriate pictures while he used the bathroom at a New Jersey Applebees Restaurant three years ago, have been suggested by NFL doctor's to have contributed to the ten-time Pro-Bowler's untimely end.  "I've never seen anything like it, in my 28 years of practicing sports medicine," said Earl Thurber, team doctor for the Minnesota Vikings, when asked to describe the elements surrounding Favre's injuries.  "The cell phone pictures, that is," he clarified.

The Favre family, along with funeral directors and the NFL, have all been notified of Coach Childress's intentions to start Favre despite the tragedy.  "I got the phone call last night, and Brad just told me, I'm gonna start'em," said Deanna Tynes Favre.  "Brett never listened to me before about sitting out when he's hurt, and I've got a feeling that this situation will be no different."

It's unclear at this time how they will get Favre onto the field for the game, but experts guess they will utilize the regular medical injury cart.

"That guy's made of steel," said former teammate Randy Moss in comments that he released from his interview with himself.  "It's too bad I won't be there to see him in action this weekend.  I miss that helmet."

The news of Favre getting the go-ahead this Sunday has left some people in Minneapolis perplexed about Coach Childress's decision making abilities.  "How much preparation do you think Fah-vrah is going to have this week with all that he's got going on?  I just don't see it," quipped one fan we found drinking alone at a small, empty bar on a dark street near St. Paul.  "I was kind of hoping he'd sit this one out."

Funeral proceedings will be rushed to be completed by Saturday night to give Favre a chance to rest before game time.  "There's no excuse for not being in bed early the night before a game," said Childress.  "I don't care if you've got a funeral or a wedding or whatever it is, I want my players ready to play."  The coach then abruptly left the press conference, loaded and seat-belted his quarterback's lifeless body into the front seat of his SUV, and drove to the Vikings practice facility.

Cards, emails and letters have flooded the mailbox of Deanna Favre since his passing, however they were mostly requesting dates with the newly-widowed breast cancer survivor.  A phone call to Favre's cloud in heaven was not immediately returned.